The love of my life



As I spend the night looking back at my life I notice that when I was younger, some women told me they loved me for my eyes, I accepted. Later it was for my physic, then for money. Then for my wit. Then because of my mind—(deep), OK, I fucking can handle that easily.
The only woman who scares me is the one who loves me for myself alone. I have special plans for her. I have poisons, traps, knives and baseball bats for her. I literally have a bullet with her name on it. I know all of those deep dark graves in caves to hide her body. Trenchs to make her head disappear. She cannot be allowed to be alive. Especially if she is sexualy faithful, never lies ,makes good coffee and always puts me ahead of everything and everyone…She just gotta die.

Before I fell for her the way I don’t want to.



A crazy, stupid, non-rational, non-challenging, growing, astonishing and comforting thing if you have it right but it is yet as brutal, torment, agonizing painful and discomforting if you got it all wrong.But isn’t that the type of love we all are getting these days.The one that hurts us causes sadness, immense. mental trauma and sorrow. We all have gone through breakups and as much as you can deny it they are all bad.They SUCK Period!!!. But that makes me think why we actually break up ??

Anyone can give excuses or their stupid lies that they tell themselves and others. I deserve better, she got boring, he cannot commit, he talked with anger, she is just so clingy all the time and what not.

But I don’t think those are the actual reasons. We break up because we don’t really know what love is all about. We get into relations just for the sake of it. We meet people, text and fall for the image what we have created for the person we texting. We meet people grow friendships, let our brain fool us into thinking they are perfect and then we bang.Yes, I mean BANG.We don’t love anymore we FUCK and then we regret and blame LOVE. Something that we know nothing about cause we never notice it all around, we are never taught about it in schools or textbooks and that’s why there are more pain and sorrows in this GEN Y of ours.

A whole generation not wishing to be loved or to love. AMAZING IS IT NOT ??  We all have been hurt by some other asshole or unfaithful ladies (see people this is how you save yourself from feminists) and now we hate to love, even the thought of love makes us go for another round of shots.

I think the idea of love has just disappeared and known as old school now. Emotions mere a thing to play with, body type are the sole character a person now posses.Spirits, Soul attachments, soul mates…People laugh at such words… IS it because we are not able to understand them or maybe they don’t hold any value in our day to day lives.

I don’t know what is happening to us but I feel us closer to hate then in the backseat of our rovers with someone we will NEVER give up NO MATTER WHAT.

#bloggers, shortstory, writers

Why are people awake at night?

Ask any artist or writer or student this question and they will tell you simply that they have spent at least one or two nights in a week wide awake tossing and turning in bed… Even I have had my fair share of sleepless nights but what bothers me is why? Why can’t people sleep at night?
Our bodily clock is designed to provide us with a nice sleep during the night-time as we cannot look in the dark. But then why emotions rise up their tides and waves after waves of memories cast away your soul to the shore?
Why do lovers wake up all night to try to be together with the person they cannot be at the time? Why lovelorn swains stay up all night waiting for her to come? Why ladies spend their night on the dinner table with dinner laid out for two? Why does in the middle of the night writers bleed on their paper? Why do scholars spend late nights studying a phenomenon?
I don’t know the answers to these questions but I do know this we are our true selves when the sun is asleep and the moon is at its peak. We might be the werewolves of the sane people and in spite of moon, only calmness and silence of night brings us to our true selves. Be it a weak loner or an exceptionally great artist. We don’t know who we are unless we have not talked to ourselves to pursue inner self and met our own demons.

“So go play will your demons, let them engulf your soul and heart and let the fire within you burn with desire.”


Here we go again…

And here I was again. Right in the same place, I  have been for years. These walls have now gone bad in shape with paints wearing off at some spots. The lamp and the table are still the same…… well same to the eyes but the creek sound it makes when someone uses it is just pain in the ass.

Once again I have opened up the box I promised I won’t open ever. I sink into my chair and drew it out placed it right in front of me,, still locked and shut. Trying to resist the urge to open it as I know exactly what I will find in it. It’s amazing that when the olds tell you that materialistic things destroy you,, but you never listen to them… While now after years u sit in your locked room with the box of sorrow and pain. Just waiting to be opened,, to blast into the inescapable wormhole of memories, pain, and hatred.
The emotional stew has been boiling up again in my heart. Eyes nearly moist and all with what just a thought, just a vision of online at 3am in the night during your normal stalking course.

It’s a curse you know… To know someone … You pay attention to every detail. You know their patterns, you know how they function how they live and take any action. When you are good at analyzing and understanding people it just becomes worse .. Throw in a strong imagination and you have just cooked the perfect curry for the mental trauma which will haunt you through days and nights. Through nightmares, scotch, headaches and what not.

It’s funny how urge works you know… I believe curiosity is one the most amazing and strong trait of humans. It helps you to unlock the darkest deepest secrets of the universe. It takes us to places we didn’t think existed. Curiosity has been in humans since the humans have been on this planet. I will give you examples.-

Remember the fire. No no not the one you set out during your camping season but the very first fire in human history, that caveman rubbing stones and producing a spark.(for the Gen Z- the shits bear grills do ) That spark was not just the flame. It sparked something in the heads of that dumb dude as to find what fire is and use it.

The sea voyages, space journeys, wandering into the unknown caves that all was curiosity and most importantly…..

See imagination is a bi-edged sword. Either it can be used for a greater good like ‘Jobs’ did, or it can destroy you as I am about to do to myself. I sit in front of that box and pour myself another drink. Taking a gulp of it I run my fingers over the glass letting the neat scotch burn my insides and look out of balcony into the darkness of the night. This night just as any other has been the same, with same memories, same hopes, same false tricky arguments to self in order to believe that everything will be good again.

I get up, I can’t look at that box. In my head, I am going through its contents and stories tagged along with them. But I am not going to open it tonight. I finished the drink in 1 sip before pouring another 1 and stood on the balcony looking to my left. I love this direction…EAST… A direction in which I know miles apart lives someone who is also awake right now and comfortable in the happy dreamy world whose foundations have been laid by my sweat, tears, loyalty, dedication, and commitment intermittent with passion and honor. The castle in which I am no longer invited. The castle in which my queen enjoys with her new king.

The funny thing about it what this direction symbolizes. East – the dawn of new beginnings. New day. New starting. Ironically to me it’s the portal to the past , the places I have left, the people who left , to memories I love but don’t want to have.
I place my glass on the window pane and look forward to the box again. A funny thought runs through my head making me wonder .. Is there another box somewhere the same way this 1 that lies in front of me?? Or it’s just another burnt piece of ashes, which to me seems like the most probable case. Or maybe it is now thrown away as another piece of trash.

I finish my drink . I can’t open it and I can’t bear it anymore. I put on my jacket and helmet . I need my saviour as I bring hawk out of the front door of clubhouse in silence and kiss it , I know where I am heading exactly, the places where I can be found in one of these nights in this shimmering city where I can be a nobody and in all the noices around can really be at peace . I kick off and the engine roars up as I move forward to my destination or may be just the journey.


Decaf !!!!!!

He stood there with flickering lights over his head. Thud ….. The gun drops down from his hand to the wooden floor. He starts shaking, his eyes gazing through his hands which now have started to shiver. He joins his hands to make them stop but his legs give in. He falls down on his knees and with gloomy eyes, he looks at her… Well, whatever is left of her.
Her golden hairs spread all over her face. That radiating face to which he fell for ages ago or was it yesterday,, he wasn’t sure anymore. But something in her face was off.  Something that was never there is now making a terrific appearance.He is going numb. His lips are trembling. ……….. “Water!! I need water “. His body needs water but his eyes just see blood.
Then he looks at what he has done. A clear shot from a point blank range … Right in-between her eyes. Just as he was trained to do his whole life, to have a clear shot with no chance of survival.
But this has been difficult and different from the rest of them. It isn’t the first time he is looking at a body or a target but this was the hardest. She was his love… Tears have built up in his eyes demanding to b freed from the shackles of his eyelids. He can’t open them, he feels like he’s chocking.And then
He opens his eyes as he feels something wet touching his fingers. He looks down to see the blood from his lovers head has made a stream… Through the wooden flooring, this red nectar has found a way to his fingers as if claiming it’s righteous owner… As if it had been tired of staying in those veins as if all it ever wanted to was to get out and run free.He steps back and the words of his favourite author come to his mind
 “”No matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.””
Maybe he was right. He is disgusted by his actions. He can’t look at it. He steps back to the table and lifts the gun on his way. Putting it on the table with a slam he lits a cigarette …still with shaking hands, he flicks his Zippo open. It still has his lover’s name engraved next to his on it.
“Goddamn it” He takes a long drag and looks at her again.


​Silent skies, rings of cigarette smokes , shimmer of stars above, and glowing moon… Thoughts in my brain and beer in my mouth goes just when the toes go deeper in d sand… The cold increases as the roaring of waves meet the thunderous beat of Zeus … and a gentle smile reaches my lips as my mind brought back the memory of u again with the wish of u being next to me.
This week have been an amazing one . Probably the one I can remember for a lifetime. It was raw, real, passionate and bed breaking.

Be back soon.


Love in new dimensions

Most of us see love as an acquisition,like a new phone . The first time it falls there is an anguished gasp. Then after the years we see all the dents and cracks and think ” perhaps it’s time to buy a new one”.

How the random shift in the partner attachments have been changing is amazing and contradictory to the fight we claim to be fighting against the AI to be brought in market ??

I understand that the fear of terminator has been filed into the minds of millennials all thanks to Mr Arnold Schwarzenegger. But has that really changed the way we contact our fellow humans ?? Has the society being so lost and heavy under the sentiments of failure and caging up inside that we don’t want to be with others ?

Well if we really are hating other humans may be AI is the next best thing we have done for our doom after the cell phone . The psudocommunication device created profoundly on the thought of bringing people together and closer only to find the wedges it has brought up in our lives … … 

I hope AI gets in market . May be that’s the final blow we require to understand that we really have fucked up of humanity in search of petty Happy over the sorrows of others … 

And buy ourselves a new bot Everytime the old one stops to obey your commands..


Not a regular morning

I opened my eyes. I was tied with my hands behind my back and my face was covered with dirt and blood. My lips were hurting  I smelled blood. My guts had pain as if I was having a baby. I tried to crawl but my body hurt as if 100s of needles were into me.
Then I heard something and I looked up to see him. I was so pleased seeing him. Finally, he was here. My amazing Knight.The love of my life…… I felt safe .
But something was not quite right. He wasn’t helping me. He wasn’t even looking at me. He just sat there …calm peaceful and took another sip. He was drinking whiskey … I could see ice in that glass… 2 ice cubes ….Just as he liked it whole his life.
How the fuck can he drink when I am tied here.His cigarette was next to the ashtray . He was just gazing out towards the window. I wonder what he was looking at and why he was smiling ?? I screamed but my voice didn’t leave my mouth.
Softly then he spoke, without even looking at me “””” We all have desires u know, desires are the things that make us sane.Otherwise, in this cold world of dual faced people and dual-edged swords, it’s too easy to be lost. To be someone you are not and not even want to be”” ……
He took another sip and continued “” It’s true humans shape things around them but it’s not just things ……they embrace, interact and shape their fellow humans too …into the molds of their own minds. I guess that’s pretty normal. Everyone loves power ….power on someone.. something .. anything to feel good about themselves. To be dominant and lay down your best hand every time someone is about to lose.
But is this power real?? … Is it…. He choked on his words “” To oppress..to bind ….to cage … To put someone in bondage….I have been on the both ends of this road … Caging someone gives you the pleasure…some pleasure which nothing can provide you it’s like the force that drives you nuts … More heavy than coke more smoother than malana cream …””
He took another drag of filthy cigarette from ashtray which was kept there… He took a long drag and stubbed the butt into it … He lit another and then spoke again ”  You know it goes hard when u r in love with them … U know the pain but you can’t stop ..you are not just binding them ….you yourself are chained with the shackles of your desires.  It’s amazing to see sometimes the gush of blood going down from someone’s head . ,,,
He turned and asked have you ever tasted blood … The warmth of it ??? The deep redness in its waves. Oh, wait I forgot  ……. He kneels down and removes the rag out of my mouth and I take deep breaths and cough. I gasp for air. I should’ve screamed but I wanted to hear. I wanted to know.. ….. I don’t know why???
He got back to the chair and pulled it in front of me. Sitting there in that comfy chair there he was….right in front of me…- A man I loved, a man I adore, A subject of my thesis, My love … Or just a crazy … A schizophrenic patient … Who doesn’t know who he is … Who I am  … What kind of man forgets his wife?? Who forgets that the woman in front of him is the one who gave birth to his child??. I don’t know how can someone forget all that …is that only the power of love ???.
He was looking dead into me. His fingers were again circling around something on the table– A gun. An IMI DESERT EAGLE… Ironically I bought him that on his 30th birthday cause he loved it …
“I asked you something”… His tone changed to anger……. “Why did you want this??  Why you wanted to come between me and my wife ??””
He stood up … I shivered. He walked to the window and started blabbing….. “No, I want to know first why she did that. I just can’t let it go. ……… Yes, I will take care of her … Then we will be together love …””
 I dropped my jaw.   He was looking in thin air … Who was he talking to ??? He leaned as if he is going to kiss someone… His hand held around nothing and he did the most disgusting thing ever. His lips moved. He really was kissing someone. but who ?? There was nobody there. Was I not seeing what he is ??
He turned to me and with his gun facing me and said ” See,, I always loved my wife  and no one can come between us””
Bang !!!!
That’s all I heard ……..Ever.